on internalized transphobia in trans spaces, misandry, intersectionality, and the call is coming from inside the house.
so ive had a lot on my mind lately, and have been doing a lot of thinking vis-a-vis my own identity and how it has affected me on my trans journey, as well as the journeys of those around me. for context I have been out publicly as trans for around 7 years now, and after mulling it over for several years i switched from identifying as a binary trans woman to transfeminine nonbinary around a year and a half ago.
most of the reason for why i ended up switching the terminology i use for myself is because i personally have never felt fully comfortable with the idea of being a binary trans woman. back when i first started really questioning myself well over a decade ago, a lot of the terminology and ways of thinking about gender were not as well developed and fleshed out, let alone as popular to talk about as they are now, at least form my perspective. most of the trans people i knew were binary trans women as well, and the thought of being nonbinary was not something i was even aware of as an option. if i had known this was an option starting out, it very much would have saved me several years of very much feeling like something was missing vis a vis my transition that i still felt i was missing.
why did it take me so long to figure that out? a lot of the trans people i was surrounded by were very much "binary oriented" for lack of a better way to describe it. they were very much a product of the discourse mentality of the time. now a days we would call them something along the lines of "truscum" or "nonbinaryphobic". they were also very much of the mindset that embracing any aspect of masculinity was seen as something to be avoided, and that very much poisoned the well of discussion in those circles i was in at the time. this did not sit right with me for many reasons. there were aspects of my original gender identity that i very much still identified with, even as i was transitioning to female. not to mention my own ideas for what i want for my eventual bottom surgery are very much outside of the norm. being surrounded by this mindset, and starting my transition like this, it felt like i was losing a part of myself in the process.
it wasnt until years later upon reflection i realized how much this harmed me and my own identity. it was finally encountering other nonbinary individuals, as well as several close friends of mine coming out as trans men and transmasculine nonbinary individuals that it really made me understand how deep that internalized transphobia and internalized misandry ran. it has been something i have been working to detangle from myself from ever since. finally embracing the fact i am transfeminine nonbinary has been truly enlightening for me, and lets me feel like i can express all of me, truly and freely.
now that i have seen that for what it is, lived it, and learned from it; one of the things that has shaken me to my core, is how much i see that same nonbinaryphobia, misandry, and internalized transphobia affecting others still. i see enby friends of mine being constantly being pushed into and expected to do things like eventually hrt despite them not wanting it or needing it. i see trans masc friends of mine constantly getting shit for being men because "how dare anyone want to be a man". i see my younger brothers who i helped raise struggle to understand themselves, and their reality, and them feeling like they lack having any safe outlet to do so because of all of the expectations and joking and prodding that they receive from others for any perceived nonconformity, softness, or queerness they might or might not have. i see my other queer and gnc friends being pushed and teased similarly, with concerns being brushed aside dismissed for one reason or another, usually played off as harmless teasing.
frankly speaking, it breaks my goddamn heart. as much as i think we as a community have moved past such things, i keep being shown time and time again that this mentality runs deep, and a lot deeper than a lot of us want to admit.
yesterday i posted what I felt was a fairly straightforward post on my views about how problematic in my view forcefem jokes are. on that thread were left some comments that were eye opening for me, and i also had some people outside of that thread reach out to me saying it resonated with them for one reason or another. it also seems that a lot of the complaints that post has received, (both in and outside of the thread), seem to have largely missed the forest for the trees. a lot of the pushback to it being largely summarized in 4 points. 1) "god forbid trans women joke about anything, why are you taking a very obvious joke seriously", 2) saying that queer people can be bad and hold problematic views and opinions is spreading nazi propaganda, and 3) how dare you complain about this when theres so much other more pressing matters to complain about. 4) false equivalency between commenting about "forcefem bad" being the same as "right wingers talking about how the transes are coming to transgender them"
so lets address those points deconstruct this a bit, because i think it says a lot tbh. while there is nuance to be had regarding forcefem jokes in the context of kink, and the trans lived experience; having personally been on the receiving end of those jokes, as well as having seen queer friends of mine from across the spectrum also be highly uncomfortable about being on the receiving end of them, joking about ignoring consent and bodily autonomy doesnt feel as light hearted as a lot of people seem to think it is. and as much as i would like to pontificate about those jokes very much playing into the aforementioned "right wingers thinking the transes are gonna transgender them" stereotype, i dont think much more needs to be said other than i think it is worrying and very disingenuous that those same people often making those jokes are drawing conclusions that "joking about this is bad" is the same thing as a right wing talking point.
i want to address the last two points separately as i feel like there is a lot to be said here. regarding "queer people can be bad and hold problematic views and opinions is spreading nazi propaganda" yeah i can kinda see where this comes from. someone linked me something in the other thread that very much shows that this does appear to be a right wing talking point in and of itself on the surface. how i worded a specific phrase in that original post very much wasnt helping in that regard and i subsequently removed it; mea culpa, poorly worded and badly executed on my part. the part that frankly worries me is that we as a community seem to be ready to all come out of the wood work to immediately distance ourselves from anything or anyone we deem as problematic, seemingly as a way to disprove that false stereotype, while as the same time holding onto views that frankly have no place in this community, or in the fight for not only trans rights and trans liberation, but for the greater fight for societal change as a whole. i would think that we as a community would be at the forefront of trying to be more inclusive and understanding, but i keep being repeatedly disappointed that we seemingly arent as empathetic as i would like to think we are; especially to our fellow trans people, even moreso to the more GNC leaning and masculine leaning parts of our community. the fact that even bringing up blind spot about our community is enough to get verbally flayed over it is just further illustrating my point.
as for getting those angry over the fact that this is something worth discussing at all, even as we are being increasingly discriminated against: is there no room for growth amongst ourselves as well? are we so certain in our beliefs and wokeness that we no longer need to change and grow ourselves? must we put aside solving our blindspots as a community to concentrate only on fighting for our rights?
nothing is stopping us from doing both at the same time but ourselves.
